Navigating Love with Different Minds: Conflict Resolution Strategies for Neurodiverse Couples

Neurodiverse romantic relationships involve partners where one or more may be neurodivergent. Neurodiversity means the natural differences in how our brains work, and about 15-20% of people are considered neurodivergent.

The word neurodivergence is often linked to conditions like Autism and ADHD, but it also includes individuals with Dyslexia, Sensory Processing Difficulties, Dyspraxia, Dyscalculia, Synesthesia, OCD, and other common variations in how our brains function.

Most Common Sources of Conflict in Neurodiverse Relationships

In neurodiverse relationships, the main issues often arise from challenges in understanding how each partner processes information.

Jumping to conclusions: 

It’s common for partners in any relationship to misinterpret situations during conflicts. In neurodiverse relationships, these misunderstandings can be more frequent due to differences in information processing.

Feeling misunderstood: 

Both partners may often feel misunderstood due to distinct perspectives. Neurotypical partners might think their partner isn’t trying hard enough, while neurodivergent partners might feel their partner lacks patience or is hard to please.

Defensiveness or perceived defensiveness: 

Defensiveness is more common in neurodiverse couples, as each partner may have different views on what’s acceptable in the relationship. Neurodivergent individuals may feel the need to constantly explain themselves, leading to hypervigilance, guilt, and shame.

Overlooking differences: 

Neurotypical partners might struggle to grasp that their neurodivergent partner processes information differently. This can lead to expectations that the neurodivergent partner should think and behave like a neurotypical person.

While all couples face challenges, neurodivergent brains may have more difficulty managing certain emotions and behaviors. Common differences in neurodivergent individuals include impulsivity, difficulty reading non-verbal cues, rejection sensitivity dysphoria, sensory and emotional overwhelm, executive functioning difficulties, hyper-fixation in special interests, and low frustration tolerance.

Neurodiverse relationships may face the risk of growing apart due to deep-seated resentment stemming from a lack of mutual understanding.

Change The Narrative

For your neurodiverse relationships to thrive, it’s crucial to focus on understanding the differences in how you and your partner process information and how this affects your ability to comprehend each other.

Understand and honor differences: 

Seek guidance from your doctor or therapist. Learn how both of you process information, respect those differences, and set realistic expectations around them.

Make an inventory: 

Identify challenges both of you face, such as interrupting, jumping to conclusions, sensory overload, or shutdowns. Develop a plan to address these issues before they arise. For instance, one partner can work on listening more attentively, while the other focuses on understanding their partner’s difficulties.

Work on clear, non-defensive communication: 

Strive for direct and clear communication on potential conflict topics. Use softened start-ups, give your partner the benefit of the doubt, and explore different communication methods, such as time-limited phone conversations, video calls, or writing letters.

Understand the role of sensory issues: 

If you’re the neurodivergent partner, recognize your sensitivities to light, sound, touch, smell, taste, and sense, and communicate them to your partner. If you’re a neurotypical partner, understand how sensory issues can impact your partner’s nervous system. Meeting these basic needs for nervous system regulation can enhance intimacy and bring the relationship closer.

Common signs of feeling overstimulated include:

• Being around too many people
• Loud noises/excessive talking
• Strong smells
• Certain textures
• Eye contact
• Bright lights
• Receiving too much information at once

Practice time-outs: 

If you feel misunderstood or struggle to understand your partner, take some time away from the interaction. Discuss the purpose of time-outs in advance and how they can be used to explore different perspectives.

If you find it difficult to navigate your relationship, it may be beneficial to seek the assistance of a couples therapist who specializes in working with neurodiverse couples. The expertise of such a therapist can provide valuable information and tools to help you overcome challenges within your relationship. Consider exploring couples therapy in Homer Glen to find the support your relationship needs.

Remember, you don’t have to handle this by yourself. Think about reaching out to a nearby therapist for the help you need to manage this significant life change effectively.